Troubled in Spirit

Troubled in spirit.  Those words capture so well how I have felt many days the past four months.  Life has dealt many unexpected cards to our family, which has led to frustration, grief, overwhelm, sadness, uncertainty, insecurity, anger, fear, loneliness, and doubt.  Yes, there have been times of unity, solace, comfort, rejoicing, miracles, and peace as well.  But, as I read in Mosiah 26 today about Alma’s situation and how he felt “troubled in his spirit,” my heart resonated with him. He was the high priest over the church at the time, and dissension and unbelief among the rising generation had led to some problems they had never faced before.  He didn’t know how to handle the situation and it troubled his soul.  

I have these moments in my own life where I just don’t know how to proceed.  I am confuzzled, as Bryce would say.  I must admit, sometimes when that confuzzlement continues and progresses to CONFUZZLEMENT I have an internal tantrum which goes something like this— “I don’t want to be the grown-up!!!!”  I imagine Alma was more mature than me, but his example is instructive nonetheless.

What does he do when he doesn’t know what to do?  He prays for God’s grace.  Verse 13 says, “And now the spirit of Alma was again troubled; and he went and inquired of the Lord what he should do concerning this matter, for he feared that he should do wrong in the sight of the Lord.”  He knows that God has the answers.  He asks of God.  He asks in faith.  Sounds like Joseph Smith.  Sounds like the 2017 YM/YW Theme!  Alma’s story is very similar to Joseph’s story at this point.  Verse 14 tells us that “after he had poured his whole soul to God, the voice of the Lord came to him.”  That is a second witness of a powerful principle.  When I am troubled and confuzzled, if I am willing to do the work of pouring my soul out to God in faith, He will answer.  If I ask, He will knock.  If I seek, He will help me find.  If I knock, He will open unto me exactly what I need.  Joseph received a different answer than Alma because their questions were different.  They were troubled in different ways.  And yet, they both received exactly what they needed to find peace.

I was touched today by what the Lord says to Alma after Alma pours his soul out to the Lord.  He doesn’t jump right to answering the question that was Alma’s troubling thorn in the story.  That tells me there were probably other thorny aches in Alma’s heart that were shared with the Lord as part of his “whole soul” being poured out.  The Lord tells him that he is “blessed” because of his faith.  He affirms Alma’s heart and beliefs.  Not his actions—that comes later.  He wanted Alma to know that He was proud of him for having faith and doing a hard thing in believing alone in the words of Abinadi.  That choice led to a major life change, and God affirmed the power of that faith. Could Alma have had some insecurities and fear, some loneliness or uncertainty about his own beliefs?  That’s validating to me.  I’m not projecting my humanness to Alma, but I am seeing that the Lord, when answering Alma’s prayer about what to do, felt it most important to encourage and affirm Alma’s faith and beliefs first.  Then he told him what to do.

To come full circle, I learned today that as I wrestle with what to do in some of the challenging circumstances of my life, I also acknowledge that I am wrestling with my faith.  That’s OK. God is waiting for me to pour my whole soul out to Him about it.  He doesn’t want me to just ask what to do.  He wants to strengthen and encourage the beliefs that are behind it.  The faith that may be tired and wavering.  By being honest with myself and the Lord, He can and will strengthen my faith and my resolve to be a grown-up as I move forward in His grace to face my challenges.