Stake Conference Remarks from December 13, 2015

I am grateful and humbled to speak with you today.  The topic I have been asked to speak on is facing adversity in the strength of the Lord.  Since being asked to give this talk, we have struggled with our whole family being sick, as well as experiencing a flood in our house.  I guess the Lord wanted to be sure I had adequate exposure to fully experience this topic!  As a result of all that has been going on, we are very late in putting up our Christmas tree.  We just got to it on Friday.  In the process, we discovered that we have a “Buddy the Elf” in our family.  Our little 4-year-old is just bubbling with Christmas Spirit!  When we pulled out the lights to go on the tree, he was delighted. 

We plugged them in, and found that only 1 ½ of the 5 strands worked.  I’m going to be honest.  I felt grumpy.  That’s the last thing I wanted to deal with.  Then, in true Christmas Elf fashion, our little guy proclaimed, “That’s OK, Christmas is about more than lights that work!”  He proceeded to connect them all together and stretch them out across the room because he was fascinated that they hooked together, whether or not they worked.  His attitude was contagious.  Christmas is about a whole lot more than lights that work and trees that are up early.  It is about our Savior Jesus Christ and making Him the center of our lives.   So, it’s OK that our tree has one strand of lights.  It’s a reminder of what really matters and the attitude that keeps adversity in perspective.

I know each one of you could share your thoughts on the topic of adversity, for each of us is dealt afflictions and challenges in our lives.  That is our common lot in mortality.  Adversity can be physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual.  It can be personal, or it can relate to employment, spouses, children, or other loved ones. Today I feel like I should share some of my own experiences and how the Lord has guided and molded me through adversity.  It’s hard to share experiences that are deeply personal like this, but I also know that we are all brothers and sisters in the Lord, and as we build Zion it is important that we share our experiences and testimony in an effort to strengthen one another.  So, I pray that the Spirit be here with us as I share and as you receive whatever may be of help to you as you face your own challenges in the strength of the Lord.

During the bitter winter of 1856, the Martin and Wille Handcart Companies arrived at Martin’s Cove at Devil’s Gate in Wyoming.  They were out of food and long since out of emotional and physical stamina to sustain them on their journey.  The world was frozen all around them, and loved ones were dying daily as a result of the extreme conditions.  They made it to this haven with the knowledge that they had to move on.  This was not their final destination.  The journey wasn’t finished.  But, if they would press forward, rescuers would soon meet them on the trail.  Martin’s Cove is a very sacred place, and a moving memorial to the legacy of those pioneers. 

In July of 2009 our family stopped at Martin’s Cove at Devil’s Gate in Wyoming as part of a family vacation. For 11 months I had been laboring under the weight of the greatest emotional anguish I have ever faced.  My world had crashed in around me the previous year, and though it all seemed put back together on the outside, I was still very broken within.  I tried to hide it and care for the needs of my children, tend to the responsibilities of being in school full time, and support my husband in a demanding calling, but every day I felt the weight of that ache in my heart.  It was a very real physical sensation of pain in the center of my chest and back. 

Being at Devil’s Gate was very significant for me.  I was done.  I had nothing left. I wanted to give up.  I hiked alone out to the giant rock outcropping that gives Devil’s Gate its name.  I collapsed on my back on a large rock and cried and cried.  I poured my soul out to the Lord.  I told Him that I had tried to be faithful and obedient, but I just couldn’t bear it any longer.  I was exhausted.  As I lay there a beautiful thing happened.  I felt the ache and tension gradually seep from my back into the giant stone beneath me.  It was a sacred moment.  God’s grace slowly but discernably lifted the burden I had been carrying for so many months.  I wanted to lay there forever, to just die in that beautiful sacred space.  But I couldn’t.  Just like the handcart pioneers couldn’t.  I had to get up and hike back to my family and my life and move forward in faith until I met the rescuers. But, I knew God was with me, and He carried the weight of the emotional burden as I passed through it.

I have reflected on why that gift from God came at that time.  I had prayed for relief before.  Why did the miracle not come until then?  I believe it had to do with the intensity of my prayer.  In that moment I truly was pouring my whole soul out to the Lord.  I would like to say that I always have that kind of divine communication in my prayers, but the reality is that I don’t.  Sometimes my prayers are more routine than inspiring.  Sometimes, even in the midst of great affliction, my prayers resemble more of an Amazon order where I click what I want and then click submit and go to bed without ever really engaging my heart in connecting with God and His will for me.  So, this is a time of renewal and re-commitment for me, and I would extend the challenge to each of you as well to pray with all your heart.  Connect with heaven through prayer and let your desire and intensity draw down the blessings that God has in store for you and those you love (see Bible Dictionary, Prayer).

1 Nephi 17:3 tells us that as we keep the commandments, the Lord will nourish us, strengthen us, and provide means for us as we journey through our wildernesses.  I love that scripture, and I love the metaphor of the wilderness.  It’s the perfect description for me of times of adversity and affliction.  D&C 88:66 tells us that the wilderness is where we can’t see God.    We all have those times when we can’t see God very well in our afflictions.  We are tired.  We are exhausted. 

I invite you to reflect on the many examples we have in the scriptures of the Lord leading groups of people to promised lands.  The journey to every promised land contains a stretch of wilderness!  It’s not that we are doing anything wrong.  That wilderness is a necessary, essential part of the journey.

As we continue to give our all to the Lord, even though He feels distant, the answers will come and we will see His hand in many different ways—through nourishing us in our daily walk, through strengthening us to continue in the journey, and through providing the means that we otherwise could not have provided ourselves.

I love the words of one of the gentleman in that handcart company:

I have pulled my handcart when I was so weak and weary from illness and lack of food that I could hardly put one foot ahead of the other. I have looked ahead and seen a patch of sand or a hill slope and I have said, I can go only that far and there I must give up, for I cannot pull the load through it.  I have gone on to that sand and when I reached it, the cart began pushing me. I have looked back many times to see who was pushing my cart, but my eyes saw no one. I knew then that the angels of God were there. Was I sorry that I chose to come by handcart? No. Neither then nor any minute of my life since. The price we paid to become acquainted with God was a privilege to pay, and I am thankful that I was privileged to come in the Martin Handcart Company.

My second experience was another wilderness time after the birth of our fourth child.  Despite the joy of having a precious new spirit in our home, it was a time of spiritual doubt and darkness for me.  I was doubting everything I had believed to be true.  I didn’t even know if I really knew there was a God. I felt hollow. I felt no guidance or answers to my prayers and pleadings to know the truth.  I felt alone in the darkness.  I had not shared with my husband the depth of my spiritual despair, but our little baby was sick with RSV and he had to leave to go to Canada for a business trip, so in a final attempt at faith I asked him for a priesthood blessing before he left.  I don’t remember the words he said, but I do remember that while he spoke the darkness that surrounded me was pierced by the Light and I felt the words, “You know it is true.”  That Light led me on as I pieced back together my testimony.  I don’t stand here before you to bear testimony of the truthfulness of this gospel and the realty of a loving Father in Heaven because it has come easy and I have always known.  I stand here because I traveled in the wilderness and struggled in the darkness but found the Light.  In 1 Nephi 17:13, Nephi shares a promise they were given by the Lord regarding this same thing.

13 And I will also be your light in the wilderness; and I will prepare the way before you, if it so be that ye shall keep my commandments; wherefore, inasmuch as ye shall keep my commandments ye shall be led towards the promised land; and ye shall know that it is by me that ye are led.

I was led through that challenging time because God is faithful and mindful of all His children.  I didn’t give up, even though I felt like it, and His Light led me back to truth.  He provided the means I needed to return to the Light.  I just needed to remember that I know it is true!  I invite each of you to reflect on the experiences you have had with the Spirit throughout your lives.  Sometimes those anchors of faith get obscured by darkness.  What do you know to be true?  Write it down.  Share it with your spouse, your children, your brothers and sisters around you.  Truth is the Light that can illuminates our path in the wilderness.

The third experience I want to share with you happened just a few weeks ago.  I was in my bathroom getting ready for the day.  As I went to apply some powder to my face, I lost the neurological ability to control my hand.  It just shook there in place.  Because of a malformation of blood vessels in my midbrain, I have lost much of the sensory nerve function on the right side of my body, which has advanced to periodically affect my motor function.  It is a progressive condition I have known about for the past 17 years, but recently the symptoms have progressed more significantly, and I find myself more and more often having experiences similar to that morning.  That particular morning was speaking to my husband, and as my hand started shaking my words faltered too.  I took a deep breath to try and maintain my composure, but tears came to my eyes.  Silently, my dear husband came over and wrapped his arms around me and just held me.  He didn’t say anything.  He just gave me the strength I needed to move forward in faith and face the day, even though I am a weak and broken human being. That morning he was the means the Lord used to strengthen me in my affliction so I could move forward in faith.

Over the years as I have faced the emotional, physical, and spiritual struggles related to this condition, I have often reflected on the Book of Mormon story of Alma and his people who were struggling under the burdens placed upon them by Amulon and his people.  Their afflictions were so great that they cried mightily to God for deliverance.  They were then forbidden by their taskmasters to cry to the Lord, under penalty of death.  In Mosiah 24 we read:

12 And Alma and his people did not raise their voices to the Lord their God, but did pour out their hearts to him; and he did know the thoughts of their hearts.

13 And it came to pass that the voice of the Lord came to them in their afflictions, saying: Lift up your heads and be of good comfort, for I know of the covenant which ye have made unto me; and I will covenant with my people and deliver them out of bondage.

14 And I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions.

15 And now it came to pass that the burdens which were laid upon Alma and his brethren were made light; yea, the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord.

Brothers and Sisters, in the first two experience I shared, I was delivered by the Lord from my emotional and spiritual affliction.  I passed through it and it was gone.  This, in contrast, is an affliction that has remained.  I know that God is a God of miracles because I have seen it in my life and the lives of those I love.  I also know that I continue to face a neurological condition that no neurosurgeon can heal.  If I could have wished it away or prayed it away or fasted it away it would be gone.  The Lord knows the thoughts of my heart.  And yet, it remains and progresses.  Why?  So I can stand and testify to you and to my children, and to myself on my many weak days, that God gives us afflictions and adversity to turn our hearts to Him.  He does visit us in our afflictions.  He has lightened my burden in so many ways over the years.  I am so blessed at how my condition has NOT advanced, despite the doctors’ predictions.  My choice each day is whether or not I will trust in the Lord and continue to “submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord” despite the challenges.  Life is about more than having two hands that work right, just like Christmas is about more than lights that work.  I get to choose my attitude and degree of faith, even though I can’t choose my circumstances. 

The great news about Alma and his people is that in time the Lord did miraculously deliver them from bondage.  I know that one day I will be delivered from my affliction as well. I know that in time each of us will find deliverance.  Jesus Christ has that power.  Nothing the world has to offer can promise that.  Until that time, it is our opportunity to not give up on the Lord and not give up on ourselves.  We must choose to let Him lead us through our wilderness with patience and faith.

I know that the Savior is coming again.  That day draws nearer.  I look forward to that day with great anticipation because I have a lot awaiting me, as do each of you.  The adversary knows that day is coming too, and as the battle between good and evil intensifies, we will each face increased adversity.  In conference President Nelson told us that, “Attacks against the Church, its doctrine, and our way of life are going to increase.”  We will all face physical, emotional, social, and spiritual challenges as the battle wages on, but the choice is ours to turn to the Lord, or to get lost in the wilderness. 

Remember that Nephi passed through the same adversity that Laman and Lemuel did.  Their circumstances were exactly the same, but because of their different choices regarding faith and attitude, their experiences were entirely different.  Laman and Lemuel chose a different path.  They didn’t believe that the Lord would make things known unto them.  But, He will.  They did not pay the price to learn to walk with Him and to be led by Him through the darkness.  I testify that as we turn our hearts to the Lord in sincere prayer, as we press forward in faith, and as we look for His hand, His beautiful Light will nourish us, strengthen us, and provide means for us to be guided through every wilderness we encounter.  He loves you, Brothers and Sisters.  He is with you. You know it’s true!